Get Moving

My home teachers shared a message with me about doing something in the gospel and not staying complacent. I hadn't realy thought about it until today I read a sidenote to the article and I had the thought that Scott really held me back from progressing in the Kingdom of God.
Scott never wanted a calling that was more than cleaning the church. I don't think we should be running for office in the church but being involved in the cause is important. Scott always shunned it all. He made comments about how he would never want to be bishop or anything like that.
He did not ask me to pray with him, he did not want family prayer. Bella and I prayed together by ourselves. Scott and I never read the scriptures or discussed anything Church related. I would tell him how I felt about stuff but I never heard him initiate converstions with me.
He did bear amazing testimonies. He would read a book and make really cool comments over the pulpit. Never to me, just in testimony meetng.
After he devastated me and left while I was sleeping (I always make note of that because normal people do not leave their families that way) I felt so much in Church. I felt the Spirit again. I had not really felt the Spirit in Church while I lived with Scott. He depleted me of all the feeling I had. I was exhausted from walking on eggshells everyday trying to just get him through the day with his mental illness.
I rememeber going to Church and having this outpouring of wonderful thoughts. I had the same at the temple! I was me again. I have always talking freely with God and heard Him plainly and clearly on a regular basis. When I would relay the thoughts I was receiving, Scott would literally run away. He told me God was okay with him deserting his family. I told him that our Gods must not be the same one.

Co-parenting vs. Marriage

When your former spouse has some severe problems there is no differece in marriage and co-parenting. I feel like nothing has changed between Scott and I except we live in different houses and he sleeps with another person. Other than that we fight the same, well I should say, I get upset over stuff and he stands there with a blank stare off in another direction.
I was the forever optimist in our relationship. We can do this, I would always say. It shouldn't be this hard, I would say. I say the exact same things in trying to make a parenting schedule. I am having the same relationship with Scott. It is so frustrating because Scott does not relate with people. He just stands there and stares, puts his head on his arms, but no relating. He has empty eyes and an empty soul. He is so well read and borrows ideas from books but never puts anything into action. It sounds good but he doesn't DO anything.
What should I do? I don't want to be in this dysfunctional relationship anymore!

Love me, then leave

I have had some great relationships with men in my life. When I was young I had a bofriend that loved me so much. I could feel the intensity in my soul. I loved him back just as much. He wanted to marry me and I guess my reservations included his lack of commitment to the Church. He had a child with a previous girlfriend, he chewed tobacco, had smoked pot, etc. Although. . . he loved me so much and I him.

I went to visit him one weekend after he had moved hours away to play football at antoher college. I remember staying in a motel and he held me and we cried all night long knowing that we were not going to be together.

I think about how Scott left and I wish it could have been more like this experience from my past. Instead, he wrote me a harsh letter on Monday, slept in my same bed two nights and woke up and left.

I wish Scott had emotion. This is the hardest part for me. Not one drop of emotion from a man who has lived through so many difficutlt things. He is incapable of feeling. Such a waste of a body.

SPLIT

Last year when Scott moved into the house he asked me to leave the yard tools so he could take care of the yard. He then said, "when we sell the house we can split them." Well, split to him means, I will take what I want and you can have what is left over.

Our house sells next Wednesday so he is trying to get some stuff moved. He texted me yesterday over twenty times with his obsessive personality harassing me about this. He said that the things he wanted were gifts and that I was taking Bella's toys and he was giving Wendy lights he was going to throw away anyway. His thinking is not logical.

I was talking to Rachel about it and her 16 yo thinking is more mature and fair than his. It is so frustrating to deal with him. I cannot wait until he is out of that house and I can put just one more thing behind me that I have to deal with him about. AAAAAAAGH! I still think I should have kicked myself instead of attaching myself to him ten years ago. I made a monumental mistake. I am paying for it.

Insult or Estimation

The definition of insulting is being rude or insensitive or by suggesting a low opinion of somebody or something. So. . . if your insult is the truth and you really do have a low opinion of somebody, doesn't that just make what you said an estimation? If your intent is not to be rude or insensitive but you are just stating something you see then it is something different than an insult. The definition of estimation is a view regarding the worth of somebody or something. So instead of someone telling you that you are insulting. They should really say. . i don't agree with your estimation.

Scott thinks I am insulting but mostly it is his distorted view of the world. He admitted while we were married that he thought he had autism. The problem with people who have high functioning autism is that they do not think they are doing anything wrong. They think they are in the right and everyone else is dong wrong.

Did you even cry?

I still cry over the loss of my marriage. It has been one year and almost 10 months and I still cry. I cry when I am alone at night sometimes, just because I am alone. I cry when I watch a movie where two people love each other. I cry when Scott does something mean or disrepectful. I am not crying all the time but I still cry. Last night I wondered if Scott ever cried over losing his wife and daughter. I have not seen any emotion from him since he left, not one morsel of sadness.

Scott takes a sedative daily that has rendered him emotionless. It is a side effect of sedative use but usually someone as anxious as Scott chooses the sedative over becoming a zombie. I had not seen any emotion in Scott for years. He, by nature is a flat person but this made it even worse.

I do not think the man has shed a tear over the loss of a beautiful dream of a family. The family he had in his grasp and then was so selfish he gave up in an instant.

Wife or Mother?

I knew having a child would be difficult for Scott. His anxiety disorder coupled with his limited social and emotional skills would try me and him if we added a child to the picture. I don't know if I wanted a child so I wasn't so lonely or if I really wanted to be a parent with Scott. I was terribly lonely in my marriage.

I had the thought, should I have not had a child and saved my marriage? It took all of my energy to deal with Scott every day. His disability drains every ounce of energy out of a significant other every day. I was so exhausted living with him. Not to mention his terribly dysfunctional family.

Would I rather be a wife more than a mother? Ultimately I would love both. I would love both roles at the same time. I ended up being a mother and not a wife and I think God knew what I needed most.

Not enough there??

I was reading the Ensign (LDS Magazine) this morning and an excerpt from Elder Holland hit home. He suggested that we should pray a little more, study a little more, find solace, etc so that when life's struggles come you will have a little more inside to rely on.

I was looking on facebook and found a friend that had messaged me to get together. I looked at her profile and it listed her as divorced. I said outloud, "what the crap?!". She was in our adoption class and we stayed in touch through our adoptions. I wonder. . . is it all too much? Is the infertility, adoption, etc. . all too much to handle. Can a marriage stay together? I am sure many marriages do stay together but shouldn't this amazing thing keep you together??

Our birth mother chose us because we had been together for 5 years and she didn't want Bella to have parents who were divorced because her own parents were divorced and she did not want that for her daughter. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want that for my daughter. My own husband walked right out the door while we were sleeping.

My daughter is not a priority in his life. Just last night he chose a party over spending time with her. He has not seen her in a week and chose to go to a work party rather than see her. She chose us, our deceased relatives assisted, Christ chose us, so many people chose us to parent her and her father chooses a party over her. He is going to hell in a hand basket is all I have to say about that!

Are you Strong Enough to be my man?

The last few days I have been thinking about what Scott said to me in the first few converstations after he left about me being "too strong". He said that is what it came down to, so is that a negative thing, to be too strong? I thought it was good to be strong. Anyway, if I am too strong then that means he was not strong enough. Although he would never admint any fault in himself. He would never admit to anything that makes him look anything but superior to anyone. As I have these thoughts come to me about things he has said or done in our relationship it empowers me to keep thinking that not being in a relationship with him is the best thing for me.